You Matter

Hello!

I have a story to tell you…and every time I sit down to write it, I get frustrated. This is a true story that happened to me, so I have this high expectation to make this story sound great or meaningful. My therapist reminded me that it’s my story but it’s also God’s story. Instead of myself trying to find the words to share, let God write the story. So, here it is.

It all started back in high school…My friend, Kris, introduced me to this guy she was talking to. One day, she dragged me to a baseball game to see him. He was tall, funny, and really cute. He ended up being one of my good friends. As time went on, he ended up dating a few of my friends. Meanwhile, still being a good friend and becoming a big brother figure. We definitely acted like we were siblings—We would fight and one of us would stop talking to the other for a few days but we both knew that we couldn’t stay mad for long. For most people, he was this handsome, tall, funny, athlete guy who liked girls way too much. Those who were able to push through his thick stubborn self were able to see that he was so much more than that. He was handsome, tall, funny but he was also a kind, loving, caring, compassionate, stubborn guy. You were extremely lucky to be able to get to know him like that.

This guy is Grant. Now that you know a little about him, I will tell you more about our story. Like I said earlier, we met through my friend, Kris (Kris if you are reading this, I am so very thankful that you introduced Grant into my life. You truly are an amazing friend). Grant was a guy who never kept the same girl around for very long. He was a guy who wasn’t ready to settle down. He wanted to enjoy life and have fun. This drove me nuts! He would start to date a girl and then come to me for help or advice—even though he would never listen to what I had to tell him. He was a very stubborn man. I was very fortunate to be one of the people that got to know Grant. Not just the surface level of Grant, but the deep-ugly part of him too.

Grant struggled with mental health for a long time. He was someone who would use girls, alcohol, and parties to try to cover up the hurt. I don’t know how many times he called me at 2 or 3 in the morning drunk and talking my ear off (that is something I still cherish to this day; all of our conversations). I am very thankful that God allowed Grant to trust and lean on me. Around my senior year of high school, I realized that I had feelings for Grant, we would always end our phone calls with “love you”—I can still hear his voice saying, “Love you, B”. I don’t think he truly knew my feelings for him. I never told him because he was always with someone else, or I just never wanted to push myself out there.

When I went off to college, we made a point to either FaceTime or snap everyday. No matter what he did, he always managed to either say good morning or good night to me. We both were busy and life got super crazy, but we both knew we were okay. I was talking to a guy at college and I told Grant about him, I rambled on who he was and he could tell I was in the girl coma…Grant got ahold of the guy and told him to not date me. It wasn’t until that I found out he was the one who did it. Grant told me, “he wasn’t good enough for me”. He was so protective of me, it drove me nuts. He had to know who I was talking to and he told me when he didn’t approve.

In April of my sophomore year, Grant and I were on FaceTime. He was home alone and drinking. A lot of time, we would FaceTime and not even talk to each other. We just were there doing our own thing. This one night was different, I felt it but ignored it. Grant hung up on me and didn’t even say anything. So I called him back and he didn’t answer. He snapped me a photo of his table with pills and alcohol. Then he messaged me again and said “sorry”. I immediately called him and he didn’t answered. I called him about 10 times: no response. The one thing important to point out, I was in college, 3 hours away. I didn’t know what to do other than call the police. I knew his mom was at work and he wasn’t around his friends. I called the non-emergency number and talked with a lovely, calm lady. I told her what happened. She stayed on the phone and spoke with me a few more minutes. She said the police were on the way to do a welfare check. She promised me she would call me back.

At college, we had a prayer room (for those who don’t know, I went to a Christian college). I prayed and was in tears. I got a phone call and she told me they found him and took him to the hospital. He will be fine and they will take care of him. The officer spoke with me and told me he wouldn’t have been alive if I didn’t call when I did. Meanwhile, I was able to get ahold of his mom and she went to the hospital to be with him. When he got out of the hospital, he did not want to speak with me. He hated me. When he said those words to me, they stabbed me like a knife in the heart. I spoke with my mom because she worked in mental health and she walked me through the process and she was able to help me see what was happening to him. A week went by and he started to talk to me again. Deep down, I knew he still cared and loved me, because he would still make sure he texted or snapped me once a day stating, “goodnight B”. Once he started talking to me more, I felt the love I always felt. He acted back to normal. I made sure to cherish every moment and be intentional with him. We continued on with our talks.

I went home for the summer to work. I was working at a hardware store making money and making memories. It was the beginning of July, heat of the summer. I was excited to see the fireworks that week. On July 4th, Grant and I exchanged “Happy 4th of July”. He told me, “Be safe, I love you B”. I treated it like a normal text but I didn’t know that was the last message I would get from him. On the morning of July 5th, my best friend texted me that he is sorry and he is here for me. I didn’t know what he was talking about. Then he proceeds to tell me the worst news I have ever heard. He told me that Grant died of suicide. I didn’t believe him. I vividly remember walking down an aisle at the hardware store calling Grant 10 times. I even left voicemails. I went back to our small break room and saw on Facebook that he passed away early morning of the 5th. I remember calling my mom crying and not knowing what to do. Luckily, my dad worked in the same town as me and he picked me up. I still can feel the pain that I felt on July 5, 2018. I lost my best friend and big brother that day.

I have struggled with writing this and sharing my story. Grant dying changed my life in so many ways. I want to share this story, not so you can feel sorry but so you can be aware. My story is not the only story. Mental Health is a real thing. This stigma that is around mental health is unreal. One of the reasons why Grant did not get help in April was because he felt like his friends and family would see him as weak. Mental health does not make you weak. It makes you stronger. I promise you that you are not the only person feeling the way that you do. Find a friend, family member, a stranger and talk to them. You see “Self Care” tossed around so much now a days but it is truly something that we all need to do. We need to stop for one second and take care of ourselves. Maybe it’s taking a walk for a couple of minutes, maybe it is taking a vacation or sick day and resting, maybe it’s pausing for one second and taking a real deep breath.

We all matter. You matter. I matter. Grant’s story will never end for me because he’s the reason why I help others. Even if it’s a smile I give to someone or a good morning.

Thank you for everyone who has supported me and has loved me through this journey. If anyone needs to talk, rant, vent, or even sit in silence with someone, I am here. You can contact me through my website. My website email is only viewed by myself. You can also call 988 which will direct you to the suicide and crisis hotline.

I love you all and remember you matter.

In Memory of Granton Corbett Johnson, July 5 2018

Created for a Purpose